My Ideal Self

This is a very personal, very long post. With a good ending.

A few weeks ago at Lammas, a friend I don’t see often enough complimented me on an apron I was wearing. I proudly told her I had made it! She replied “oh! My ideal self makes aprons.”

My brain exploded. Her ideal self? What was that? Tell me more!
She replied something along the lines of “You know, the things you do that you feel you should be doing”.
I became obsessed. As many of you know, I have spent the last two years in an anxiety ridden fog. This ideal self concept gave me a sliver of hope!

I spoke to an amazing psychologist friend. She said it was a helpful technique for people.

I started researching websites:

Five Ways to Become Your Ideal Self

Envisioning Your Ideal Self

And journaling. Now many of you also know that I am and always have been a prolific journaler. The last 18 months my journals were filled with nothing but gloom and doom. Not at all like me. In fact, I would sometimes write at the top of a page “I don’t want to journal about this any more!” Then proceed to fill pages and pages with just that thing. At least this was something different, right?
I would ask myself questions: 
What are my values?

Who are my friends?

How do I use my time?

How do I spend my money?

What do I eat?

And from there, the lists (oh how I do love writing lists!) started.
List after list after list.

Some excerpts:
My Ideal Self-
Eats healthy/thinner (look at me trying to get smaller!)

Has her shit together

Doesn’t talk as much (WTF Melanie?!?).   

Vents only to her therapist

Is a good mother

Sews

Keeps home organized

Etc….

My coven had a retreat. We had a cabin on a lake. Time for self care. Ritual. And what the fuck did I do but suggest my coven explore this concept. So all my beautiful friends start doing the same thing. Websites. Journals. Lists.
And there I had a revelation. Lying in my little bed, drunk as fuck. 
All my friends are amazing and beautiful just the way they are! I am so sorry coven sisters.
I am amazing and beautiful! For the first 40 years of my life I thought I was amazing. I had self esteem to spare!
What had changed? I hadn’t changed really. Only one thing:
I didn’t love myself.

Fuck that.

Then, for a minute, I felt guilty. For how how I treated myself for 18 months. Then I forgave myself. I was grieving.
And now I’m done.
And I’m done with bullshit too.
Now my journal is back to planning. Homeschool units. Bellydance classes.Do I still have a list? Yes! 
But I looked it as self care. Not ideal self. 
Prairie walks

Jade egg practice

Pet my dog

Make aprons

Dance

Paint

Run

Midwife 

Waldorf homeschool

Take no shit

So did the idea of my ideal self change my life? Yes.

My ideal self forgives and loves herself.